Mets' GM Omar Minaya with Johan Santana, whom he brought in last year to make 2008's collapse one to remember

The Mets filled their closer spot, a void left by Billy Wagner who will miss most of 2009 following elbow surgery.  Sources close to the team say that general manager Omar Minaya has expressed hope that this signing will make the annual Mets September collapse even more intriguing than in previous years.

“Sure, K-Rod will help us jump out to a ten, fifteen game lead by July,” Minaya said in a press conference Tuesday.  “That’s been done before.  This year, we’re looking for more of a blowing-a-ten-game-lead-in-eleven days type of thing.  Please, rest assured, that the Mets will not make the playoffs in 2009 despite what the baseball pundits say about how K-Rod shores up our bullpen.  Have we choked late in the season with me as  GM?”

“Maybe I’ll set another save record, only to blow a three-run lead in the ninth on the last day of the season,” Rodriguez told the media.  “I don’t know.  Don’t forget, I’m an expert in this choking late in the season thing.  Remember those division titles we won in Anaheim and how I gave up those big home runs in the playoffs to the Red Sox?  I’m a perfect fit for the Mets.”

Rodriguez’s contract also includes various incentives for pitching well from April to August.

Cassel loses a fumble but gains valuable fantasy points in Sunday's game against the Steelers.

“I checked my fantasy at halftime,” Cassel recalled.  “I was playing Vrabes’ [Mike Vrabel] team for the last playoff spot in our league.  I had Pittsburgh’s D and Houston’s kicker [Kris Brown] left and was down by twelve.  He still had Andre Johnson to play Monday night.  There was really no other option.”

Cassel ended up losing his fantasy game despite giving away two fumbles, throwing two interceptions, and not letting his offense get to that 13-point mark which would have knocked 2 points off of Pittsburgh’s Defense’s total score.

“If that idiot Lawrence Timmons could have scored on that ball I threw right into his lap, I would have had a shot,” Cassel added, referring to the interception he threw to the Steelers’ linebacker.  Unfortunately for Cassel, Timmons was tackled at the 1 yard line.

Cassel went on to say that even though his fantasy team is out of the playoffs, he is still looking forward to week 14, citing the fact that, “the Seahawks suck.  And I get to meet Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s brother in law.”

C.C. Sabathia, SP:  “I want to play in the national league, somewhere on the west coast, somewhere warm, a Carl’s Junior within a block of the ballpark, preferably north of San Diego, but south of San Francisco, if possible on a team that wears the color blue, one that moved from New York to Los Angeles in 1957.  A team like that would be a good fit for me.

Mark Teixiera, 1B:  “Look at all these teams that want me!  Now, if only getting laid was this easy…”

Mark Teixiera compares free agency to sex life.

Manny Ramirez, OF:  “Hahaha….What?  I thought you said ‘Agent C.’  I’m so high right now.”

A.J. Burnett, SP:  “Free agent?  So when they said the Red Sox “owned” me they meant….oh….I get it…”

Andy Pettitte, SP:  “Even though Roger and I worked out at the same gym with the same trainer who recommended us the same supplements, and even though I model my workouts and take supplements EXACTLY the way he does, and even though I took HGH doesn’t necessarily mean he did too.”

Adam Dunn, OF:  “They told me that, in the densely populated cities of the northeast, there was simply no room for a giant axe and Babe, my blue ox.”

Trevor Hoffman, RP:  “Hey man, I can still pump it.  I hit 82 on the radar gun with my fastball—uh, I mean change-up, yesterday.”

Raul Ibanez, OF:  “GET ME OUT OF SEATTLE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!”

Jamie Moyer, SP:  “This ain’t nothin’ like fighting them damn Fritzes in World War I.”

Kerry Wood, RP:  “Yeah, I’ve had my fair share of surgeries.  But it’s like they say, the eighteenth one’s a charm.”

Tyler Thigpen at press conference speaking in front of a Tyler Thigpen backdrop

“About four weeks ago,” Thigpen stated, “I heard this guy named ‘Tyler Thigpen’ take the Chiefs down to the wire with the Bucs [Tampa Bay Buccaneers].  That got me interested.”

Thigpen said that after the Buccaneers game, he googled “Tyler Thigpen” and read his Wikipedia page.  “Apparently this guy set all kinds of Division 1-AA records playing for College of Charleston, played in a game last year for the Vikings, and got his chance this year when like eight quarterbacks got injured for the Chiefs, and has done awesome ever since.  That’s pretty sweet.”

When asked if he followed the NFL closely, Thigpen said, “Yeah…well I mean, I break down film with Coach [Herman] Edwards every week, film involving exclusively the next Chiefs opponent.  Talk with my buddies Larry [Johnson] and Dwayne [Bowe] and Gonzo [Tony Gonzalez] about what plays the Chiefs should run in their next game.  That’s about it.  I guess I should have heard of this guy ‘Thigpen’ before, but I just never did.”

Thigpen went on to say that he hopes Thigpen does well in the near future, because he recently picked Thigpen up off his Fantasy Football league’s waiver wire as a backup.

Fisher triumphantly pumps his fist in the air after incredible interview moment.

NASHVILLE, TN — Tennesse Titans head coach Jeff Fisher gave one AP reporter more than he bargained for during an interview after the Titans’ loss to the Jets on Sunday.

“I asked Coach Fisher about the one good play they had all game, a simple dive through the A gap, in which [Titans' running back] Chris Johnson gained thirty-four yards” Joe Mancini, a reporter for the Associated Press recalled.  “Fisher said, ‘Yeah, we decided to really start pounding it with Johnson, because we were a little soft at the time and really needed to get going.  Johnson only had thin protection, but once he found a hole, he really penetrated quickly.  After putting some moves on, he finally broke away from the box and pulled the safety down, just in time to explode out in the open.  It was one of the longest runs he’s ever had.’”

Mancini reported that he waited a moment before uttering the mandatory “that’s what she said.”  Fisher allegedly took the next few seconds pondering what had just happened before pumping his fist in the air and giving Mancini a high-five.  He then asked for a recording of the interview so he could show his drinking buddies what happened.

Bronx Jager Bombers' third baseman Alex Rodriguez inks contract extension through 2009

Hanley, who is the owner, general manager, and CEO of the ‘Bombers, a team in the Westchester Pale Ale Fantasy Baseball League, made the announcement just prior to the 12:00 noon deadline Tuesday for announcing the two players who would return to his team in the keeper league.

“We had spoken to A-Rod earlier in the week,” Hanley said, “and it was really a no-brainer.  He sounded thrilled to be a Jager Bomber for a third straight season.”  Rodriguez was the first overall pick in the 2007 WPAFBL draft, and led the Bronx Jager Bombers to a third place finish that year.  He and Matt Holliday were kept after the ’07 campaign, and the pair, along with 2008 first round pick in Jake Peavy, led the team to second place in the regular season, losing in the semi-finals to eventual champions, Legalize Hard Drugs.

Pitching had been a weakness for the ‘Bombers the past few years, so Hanley decided to bolster his rotation by keeping Peavy and cutting Holliday.  “It was a tough decision,” he said.  “You can’t replace a guy like Holly out there…we’re definitely gonna miss his bat.  But Peavs brings a whole other element to our club, and I think we’re just one step away from greatness.”

“I’m gonna do whatever it takes to help my team win,” said Rodriguez.  “Unless it involves getting dirty or coming through in the clutch.”

Peavy had a similar positive outlook.  “We believe in Rob.  He’s a great leader and motivator, and only takes guys who he knows will win.  And he’s not afraid to make a statement to get the team going.”  Peavy was obviously alluding to the mid-season release of Vernon Wells, whose brief stay with the team ended in a heated argument following an 0-for-21 stretch and landed him on waivers.  Peavy went on to say he was going to spend the offseason doing specialized workouts to improve his WHIP.

McNabb thinks a reporter is joking when talking about "week 17" game.

“Sixteen games?”  a confused McNabb asked a Thursday press conference.  “Really?”

Upon being told there, in fact, were sixteen games in an NFL season, McNabb replied, “Geez, I didn’t know there were sixteen games.  In fact, I didn’t know how many games there actually were.  Usually I’ll play anywhere between five and ten weeks before heading to IR with a knee or a back, you know?  Sixteen games?  Wow.”  McNabb then counted on his fingers and appeared to be doing some rudimentary arithmetic in his head.  “It makes sense, I guess.”

A reporter then asked if he was excited that the week 17 game at home against Dallas could have huge playoff implications, McNabb again began counting on his fingers, and then smiled.  “Wait, I know what you’re trying to do.  There’s sixteen games…how can there be a week seventeen?  That was a good one, though.  Next question.”  Later in the press conference, McNabb admitted he didn’t know anyone by the name of Andy Reid, Brian Westbrook, or Donovan McNabb.

Sexson being greeted at home plate by Adrian Beltre after striking out for a sixth consecutive time.

Sexson, the tallest position player in the history of the game, hovered just above the Mendoza Line for most of the season, finishing at .221 and striking out an impressive 86 times in 280 at bats.  Before being released halfway through the season, he led the Seattle Mariners to last place in the AL West.  He was picked up by the New York Yankees in August, and arrived just in time to help them not get into the playoffs.  He was thanked and released after 28 at bats with the Yanks.

A distant second in the race was the Cleveland Indians’ Asdrubal Cabrera, followed by Jason Varitek of the Boston Red Sox.  Cabrera led the league in Expectation Failure, and Varitek finished with the most swing-and-misses-to-end-a-game since Roger “Strikeout to End the Game” Billaby in 1922.

But it was Sexson, playing an instrumental part in dashing the playoff hopes of two teams, who came away from the 2008 season with some hardware.  The Chinstrap congratulates him and wishes him luck with finding a team to play with next year.

A livid Coughlin chews out Brandon Jacobs after a "paltry" 36-yard run.

NEW YORK, NY — A livid Giants’ head coach Tom Coughlin ripped into his team following an “embarrassing” 30-10 win over the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday.

“I’ll tell you what,” he said angrily, “if our running game doesn’t get on track, we’re going to bring in some guys who will do the job.”

The Giants’ prolific rushing attack, made up of Brandon Jacobs, Derrick Ward, and Ahmad Bradshaw, gained 207 yards on the ground against the best run defense in the league.  The Ravens, led by double-murderer Ray Lewis, had been allowing an average of only 66 rushing yards a game.  When reminded of this fact, Coughlin said, “I don’t care who we were playing, it wasn’t good enough.  And forget this ‘earth, wind, and fire’ nonsense.  We ran the ball like Nancy, Susan, and Mary.”

The run game wasn’t all Coughlin was upset about after the game.  Offensive lineman Chris Snee, his son-in-law, was forced to give back his wedding band and told never to speak to Coughlin’s daughter again after a 5-yard false start penalty made Eli Manning cry.  When a reporter asked about wide receiver Plaxico Buress’s whereabouts, the fiery coach threw the podium at the unlucky journalist, zapped him with laser beams from his eyes, and absorbed his soul.  He then sprouted bat wings and flew out of the room, expressing a desire to get back home before it became light out again.

Joey Harrington and Mark Brunell, two newcomers to the Saints this past offseason, have been jockeying for the first seat behind Drew Brees since late July.  Head coach Sean Payton has yet to declare a definite winner, but says that the competition is really helping the team.

Harrington waiting on Brees

“Bruno threw for four hundred and eighty-one yards and four touchdowns last Wednesday with the scout team ” Payton said in a Friday press conference.  “Then, Joey passed for five hundred and thirty-five in the Saturday walk-through.  They’re both chomping at the bit to hold that clipboard, and frankly, I’m having a tough time deciding week-to-week.”

Harrington vehemently denied there being any bad blood between the two.  They have become close friends, often engaging in some good-hearted teasing.  “Just the other day,” Harrington said, “I was calling him ‘washed up’ and ‘over the hill’ and making fun of him for being benched for Jason Campbell and….oh God, I can barely get the words out…Byron Leftwich!  Then he says ‘dude, what happened to the Lions since you were picked third overall by them?’  What a funny guy.  Gotta love him.”

Drew Brees actually lowered himself to do a quick interview with mortal sportswriters about the backup situation.  “I don’t get a chance to see them much because I’m usually throwing seventy-yard touchdown passes to Devery Henderson or Lance Moore.  I haven’t really learned their names yet either, because coach told me that I was going to play every snap, ‘for the love of God,’ I think he put it.  All I know is that one guy was run out of Detroit and the other one is like fifty.  One throws me a towel when I come off the field and the other wears a headset, that I’m pretty sure isn’t turned on.  Good luck to both of them, I guess.”  Brees’ interview was cut short because Robert Meachem had spontaneously gone deep and Brees had to throw a perfect sixty yard strike to hit him in the endzone.

“First backup, second string, whatever you want to call it,” said Brunell, wrapping up his interview, “I want that job.  I want to be the guy to warm up on the sideline when Drew rolls his ankle and play is stopped momentarily.  I want to be the guy who leads the scout team down the field in practice while Drew is getting massaged on the sideline.  But most of all, I want to be able to tell my grandkids, one of whom is now fifteen, that I held the clipboard for the one and only Drew Brees.”