December is an important month in the baseball world. While major league ballparks lie in hibernation, the behind-the-scenes action is just beginning. The owners will meet in Las Vegas next week, so bring on the backroom deals, roster bolstering, and/or wholesale remodeling. Christmas can bring huge bonuses to big name free agents, who, this year, are aplenty. Let’s see what all the top-dollar teamless sluggers and hurlers are saying about their respective situations:
C.C. Sabathia, SP: “I want to play in the national league, somewhere on the west coast, somewhere warm, a Carl’s Junior within a block of the ballpark, preferably north of San Diego, but south of San Francisco, if possible on a team that wears the color blue, one that moved from New York to Los Angeles in 1957. A team like that would be a good fit for me.
Mark Teixiera, 1B: “Look at all these teams that want me! Now, if only getting laid was this easy…”
Mark Teixiera compares free agency to sex life.
Manny Ramirez, OF: “Hahaha….What? I thought you said ‘Agent C.’ I’m so high right now.”
A.J. Burnett, SP: “Free agent? So when they said the Red Sox “owned” me they meant….oh….I get it…”
Andy Pettitte, SP: “Even though Roger and I worked out at the same gym with the same trainer who recommended us the same supplements, and even though I model my workouts and take supplements EXACTLY the way he does, and even though I took HGH doesn’t necessarily mean he did too.”
Adam Dunn, OF: “They told me that, in the densely populated cities of the northeast, there was simply no room for a giant axe and Babe, my blue ox.”
Trevor Hoffman, RP: “Hey man, I can still pump it. I hit 82 on the radar gun with my fastball—uh, I mean change-up, yesterday.”
Raul Ibanez, OF: “GET ME OUT OF SEATTLE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!”
Jamie Moyer, SP: “This ain’t nothin’ like fighting them damn Fritzes in World War I.”
Kerry Wood, RP: “Yeah, I’ve had my fair share of surgeries. But it’s like they say, the eighteenth one’s a charm.”
