K-Rod to make Mets’ 2009 collapse even more historic

NEW YORK, NY — Top-tier free agent closer Francisco Rodriguez, known as “K-Rod” because of his high strikeout totals, has signed a 3-year, $37 million contract with the New York Mets.

Mets' GM Omar Minaya with Johan Santana, whom he brought in last year to make 2008's collapse one to remember

The Mets filled their closer spot, a void left by Billy Wagner who will miss most of 2009 following elbow surgery.  Sources close to the team say that general manager Omar Minaya has expressed hope that this signing will make the annual Mets September collapse even more intriguing than in previous years.

“Sure, K-Rod will help us jump out to a ten, fifteen game lead by July,” Minaya said in a press conference Tuesday.  “That’s been done before.  This year, we’re looking for more of a blowing-a-ten-game-lead-in-eleven days type of thing.  Please, rest assured, that the Mets will not make the playoffs in 2009 despite what the baseball pundits say about how K-Rod shores up our bullpen.  Have we choked late in the season with me as  GM?”

“Maybe I’ll set another save record, only to blow a three-run lead in the ninth on the last day of the season,” Rodriguez told the media.  “I don’t know.  Don’t forget, I’m an expert in this choking late in the season thing.  Remember those division titles we won in Anaheim and how I gave up those big home runs in the playoffs to the Red Sox?  I’m a perfect fit for the Mets.”

Rodriguez’s contract also includes various incentives for pitching well from April to August.

Matt Cassel: “I had Pittsburgh’s D in fantasy”

FOXBORO, MA — New England Patriots quarterback Matt Cassel said in Wednesday’s press conference that it wasn’t the Steelers’ blitz packages, the zone schemes or the cold and wet conditions that led to his poor performance in Sunday’s 33-10 loss.

Cassel loses a fumble but gains valuable fantasy points in Sunday's game against the Steelers.

“I checked my fantasy at halftime,” Cassel recalled.  “I was playing Vrabes’ [Mike Vrabel] team for the last playoff spot in our league.  I had Pittsburgh’s D and Houston’s kicker [Kris Brown] left and was down by twelve.  He still had Andre Johnson to play Monday night.  There was really no other option.”

Cassel ended up losing his fantasy game despite giving away two fumbles, throwing two interceptions, and not letting his offense get to that 13-point mark which would have knocked 2 points off of Pittsburgh’s Defense’s total score.

“If that idiot Lawrence Timmons could have scored on that ball I threw right into his lap, I would have had a shot,” Cassel added, referring to the interception he threw to the Steelers’ linebacker.  Unfortunately for Cassel, Timmons was tackled at the 1 yard line.

Cassel went on to say that even though his fantasy team is out of the playoffs, he is still looking forward to week 14, citing the fact that, “the Seahawks suck.  And I get to meet Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s brother in law.”

Free agents speak about life on the open market

December is an important month in the baseball world.  While major league ballparks lie in hibernation, the behind-the-scenes action is just beginning.  The owners will meet in Las Vegas next week, so bring on the backroom deals, roster bolstering, and/or wholesale remodeling.  Christmas can bring huge bonuses to big name free agents, who, this year, are aplenty.  Let’s see what all the top-dollar teamless sluggers and hurlers are saying about their respective situations:

C.C. Sabathia, SP:  “I want to play in the national league, somewhere on the west coast, somewhere warm, a Carl’s Junior within a block of the ballpark, preferably north of San Diego, but south of San Francisco, if possible on a team that wears the color blue, one that moved from New York to Los Angeles in 1957.  A team like that would be a good fit for me.

Mark Teixiera, 1B:  “Look at all these teams that want me!  Now, if only getting laid was this easy…”

Mark Teixiera compares free agency to sex life.

Manny Ramirez, OF:  “Hahaha….What?  I thought you said ‘Agent C.’  I’m so high right now.”

A.J. Burnett, SP:  “Free agent?  So when they said the Red Sox “owned” me they meant….oh….I get it…”

Andy Pettitte, SP:  “Even though Roger and I worked out at the same gym with the same trainer who recommended us the same supplements, and even though I model my workouts and take supplements EXACTLY the way he does, and even though I took HGH doesn’t necessarily mean he did too.”

Adam Dunn, OF:  “They told me that, in the densely populated cities of the northeast, there was simply no room for a giant axe and Babe, my blue ox.”

Trevor Hoffman, RP:  “Hey man, I can still pump it.  I hit 82 on the radar gun with my fastball—uh, I mean change-up, yesterday.”

Raul Ibanez, OF:  “GET ME OUT OF SEATTLE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!”

Jamie Moyer, SP:  “This ain’t nothin’ like fighting them damn Fritzes in World War I.”

Kerry Wood, RP:  “Yeah, I’ve had my fair share of surgeries.  But it’s like they say, the eighteenth one’s a charm.”